We all, every single one of us, have many parts that have adapted to help us survive. We have inner critic parts, parts that manage our schedules, our “to do” lists, and the finances, and parts that want us to improve, like the part that might sign you up for this IFS course! We also have parts that might try to avoid feeling emotional pain by employing a variety of addictions, like substance abuse, workaholism, sex and love addiction, disordered eating, compulsive caregiving, excessive exercising, or pretty much any 12-steppable addiction or compulsion. All of these parts have one goal- to prevent us from feeling parts inside that might feel deeply vulnerable and hurt, feeling betrayed, worthless, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, or terrified. Because those emotions are so uncomfortable, our parts may pull out all the stops to keep those parts exiled in inner prisons, so their emotions don’t bleed through.
Sometimes these strategies work for decades. But life has a way of forcing us to heal what hasn’t been healed in the past. Something happens- a divorce, losing our job, failing to fulfill a long held dream, estrangement from our child, a health crisis, winding up in jail or rehab, a big betrayal like an affair- and suddenly all of our past pain breaks through our defenses. Once we know how to do the self-help work of getting to know our protectors, we can begin to compassionately understand why our protectors do what they do, even if they’re causing us harm or causing us to harm others. Once we can lovingly extend Self energy and reunite with these burdened parts we can begin to get a handle on how to change our behaviors in a Self-led way.